-Deb Sims MS, RNCS, LCSW

Taken from "Transitions" Mid April, 2000. A Death and Dying Grief Support Newsletter from "Beyond Indigo."  To subscribe to the newsletter visit: http://www.beyondindigo.com/newsletters/

During very early childhood approximately birth to age 3:

A child views death as a loss, separation or abandonment. They are less disturbed by losing someone than an older child because of their difficulty understanding the whole concept. The most important element at this stage is the response of the living parent and significant others around them. If that security remains intact and schedules remain as normal as possible, they eventually make it through. They take their clues from the security or lack of it around them. It isn't that they don't grieve and we shouldn't pretend nothing has happened, it's just they gain security and transition based on the living parent's response to grief.

Ages 3 to 6:

At this stage a child sees things as reversible and temporary. They may believe in "magical thinking" and that their thoughts can cause things to happen. This can work in either direction causing them to blame themselves unnecessarily or believe if they are "good" enough perhaps their parent will return. Often, children will exhibit nightmares, confusion, revert to an earlier stage of development or even seem to be unaffected by the death.

Ages 7 to 8:

Here a child will begin to see death as final. They may have lost an animal at this point but they usually don't think about it as happening to them. They see it more as something that may occur in an accident, like a car accident or only in old age. They may show an unusual interest in knowing the details surrounding death, begin asking what happens after death, or again act as if nothing has happened. Social development is occurring during this stage so they'll watch how others respond and may even want to know how they should act.

Ages 9 and up:

By now the child understands that death is final and irreversible. They not only know it could happen to someone else but also to themselves. They may exhibit a wide range of feelings including: shock, denial, anxiety and fear, anger, depression even withdrawal. Their reactions begin to be much more like an adult except they may act out their grief by behavioral changes at home or school.

-By Debbie D. Sims, MS, RNCS, LCSW

Taken from "Transitions" August 2000 Newsletter.  To subscribe to the newsletter visit: http://www.beyondindigo.com/newsletters/

They told me to be strong
For my Mother needed me.
They told me not to cry,
So I did it silently.
They told me he had passed away.
And I couldn't understand
"It was God's will"
"It was his time."
So I wondered how could death
be a part of the plan of a God who was loving and kind.
I grieved alone.

I was 12 years old when my father died. Now, 39 years later, I look back and realize that at that time, children were thought of as invisible when it came to grief. But in actuality, children grieve just as adults do. Each child's journey through the grief process is unique. There are no rules on how it should be done correctly. However, there are some guidelines. It is my hope in writing this article that no other child or parent will never have to travel the grief road alone, as I did.

I lived through the MYTHS of childhood grief. They are as follows:

(1) It is assumed that children do not grieve or grieve only at a certain age.

Actually, children grieve at any age. However, their developmental stage determines how it is manifested. We'll speak more about the developmental stages later in this article.

(2) Death is the only major loss a child or adolescent will ever experience.

Any loss is a death process to a child. The loss of a pet, a divorce, and a move are all traumatic events. If a family member has died, these losses may cause re-grieving. Re-grieving is a re-experiencing of a past loss. It intensifies the experience.

(3) It is appropriate to shield children from tragedy.

I remember the minister telling me of my father's death. I had no idea what he was saying. His words were so vague and obscure that I didn't know he was telling me my father was dead. I walked back into the classroom to get my books and the little boy who sat next to me said, "I'm sorry your father died." That's when I knew what had happened. Standing in the middle of a silent classroom of peers, I learned what an adult couldn't tell me, my father had died.

(4) Children should either always attend funerals or never attend.

It really needs to be the choice of the child or adolescent. Rituals help with closure, but each child is a unique individual. They need to be supported and educated in what will happen to participate in what is right for them.

(5) Loss fades quickly for a child.

No one gets over a significant loss. We can accept it, adjust to it, and learn to live with it, but it doesn't go away. The fact that a child can play may fool others into thinking that grief is over. In reality, children cannot tolerate long periods of sadness. The grief is not over and may be acted out in other ways.

(6) Children are permanently scarred by early, significant loss.

With love, support, and a healthy atmosphere, most people, including children, are resilient and can learn to live with loss.

(7) Talking is the most effective tool for helping children and adolescents deal with grief.

There is value in talking, but for children and adolescents, other creative outlets work best. Creative modes that are helpful are play, art, dance, music, activity and rituals. All of these are needed to express grief and loss.

(8) Helping children and adolescents deal with loss is the responsibility of the family.

Do you remember earlier, I mentioned I was told to be strong and take care of my mother? Children need support from the family. They especially heal if the surviving parent doesn't abandon them. However, they truly need a network of individuals including family, school, possibly church or youth organizations, and hospice if a long-term illness is involved. Many times the family is too busy just taking care of themselves. Remember, it takes a village to raise a child

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."